Maybe you don’t like the current ‘reality’ of your marriage. How do you change it? How do you change it if your spouse doesn’t even agree that it needs changing?
Consider this: Your Thoughts Create Your Reality.
So if you want to change the reality you live in—how you feel, how you act, how you view your future—you changing your thoughts will get you there.
Easier said than done, you might say…It’s not just that you think the new thought, you have to repeat it. We think 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts each day and most of us think 90% of those same thoughts every day. The repetition of thoughts will lead to a firmly held belief. So if you’ve been thinking a bunch of negative thoughts, that will become your belief.
So what has this got to do with my marriage?
If you’ve been with someone for a while, it is easy to decide (usually out of your awareness) that you already know everything there is to know about your significant other. So you can end up reacting to what your spouse or partner out of those expectations. This is not about blame; you probably don’t even know you’re doing this.
Example: you ask your husband to go somewhere with you and he says ‘no’ or puts it off and you group it with the other times he seems to have answered and acted the same way in the past. So your frustration grows and you may believe that ‘he never wants to do things with you or that he doesn’t enjoy time with you or that he will never change’….Maybe you don’t even bother anymore to ask why. And often resentment builds.
Now imagine that he is building his own set of (perhaps false) beliefs and expectations about you. You probably wouldn’t like that. Can you see how that can grow distance between the two of you? You each think the other is being ‘unfair’ or is not interested in you anymore and you wonder what happened to the closeness you once had.
So why was it different when you were dating? Because you had not pre-formed ideas about who he is: you were busy really listening to him to find out what he thinks and how he feels. Ask yourself: Do I still do that?
People in relationship with one another develop cycles of repetitive behaviors which leads to dissatisfaction for both.
Suggestion: For 2 weeks, make it a plan to fully listen to him and ask questions about what he thinks and how he feels. Really listen, like you did when you were dating. Use the ‘Dating Mindset’—more to come on this.
If you’re asking: why me? Why is it always me that has to change? Why doesn’t he do his part?
BECAUSE…..you can’t change another person. We’ve all tried and it doesn’t work. You can’t control another person although many try that too.
YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU….but changing the way you think, feel and act will cause changes in the other person you are in relationship with. You don’t know what those changes will be, but there WILL be changes.
Example: Suppose you have decided that your spouse is no longer attracted to you and that it has become a belief of yours and you feel you have plenty of evidence to support that feeling.
Change your thought to my husband is attracted to me and begin to look for any behaviors that support that. And keep repeating that new thought. My husband IS attracted to me; my husband DOES love me. We’ve learned through research that WE SEE WHAT WE EXPECT TO SEE. If you change your expectations, you will begin to change what you see.
I’m asking you to CHANGE WHAT YOU BELIEVE FIRST. That is difficult for human beings. We like to ‘see the proof’ and then we can believe it. If we don’t change what we believe, we will stay stuck with the same thoughts, behaviors and feelings that keep us dissatisfied.
The Challenge: try this and see if you begin to feel differently. Start by promising yourself that you will repeat these new thoughts and feelings, giving it some time to see results. Try not to judge how it’s going every day….just check in with yourself at the end of the two weeks.